


A Broken Heart, Healing

by ShimmeringDarkness



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Mutant Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid is a Summers, Spencer Summers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:02:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23861257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShimmeringDarkness/pseuds/ShimmeringDarkness
Summary: When Spencer’s heart shatters, but the only one who could fix it is gone, will he move on? Sure, he’s the one who’s still alive, well breathing with a brain and a beating heart… alive might be a bit of an overclassification. He’s going through the motions of life, losing weight, not sleeping, but how is his heart supposed to heal, when his whole heart is gone, torn out of his whole chest, without Logan having to say a single word.
Relationships: Remy LeBeau/Spencer Reid
Comments: 5
Kudos: 114





	1. Chapter 1

Scott was sitting at his desk office, already one tumbler of scotch gone and another one on the desk in front of him, feeling both a little empty inside, and definitely nervous. Logan was pulling back onto the property, and the shit storm that was sure to follow was not going to be pretty. As he waited, he took a sip of the burning alcohol, hoping maybe that the burn might ease some of the cold, frozen, emptiness inside. Logan had been out on a mission of his own when the news had come in, and Scott wasn’t looking forward to telling his good friend, Remy’s best friend, that he was gone. Died on a mission, with no recoverable body. Nothing to bury. The only person he dreaded telling worse than Logan was his little brother, and Remy’s boyfriend. This was going to crush him, and Scott could only hope his brother, who had been tossed to hell and back too many times in his life could come back from yet another blow.

He didn’t have to wait long. He was sitting behind his desk taking another sip of scotch when his office door slammed open and Logan's menacing body stormed through. Logan’s claws scratched harshly across his desk as he towered over the seated Scott. His striking blue eyes flashing, and hardening, but despite this extreme display of ferocity, Scott didn’t even flinch. Logan’s body vibrating in anguish and despair, which was being harshly covered with blazing anger. Scott took a brief second to pray that Logan remained in control because if he didn’t, Scott would be the next X-Man in need of a funeral. Logan loomed over before growling in one of the deadliest, no _the_ deadliest, voice he’d ever heard: “What the fuck happened?”

He knew there would be no easing into this, no, of course not, someone had already told Logan the rough details, and now Scott got to deal with explanations to a gruff Wolverine who had no interest in niceties. It was the one topic on everyone’s mind in this house and, obviously someone had manned up when Logan got back from his mission though to tell him. He knew Logan wanted answers, and that he was supposed to have answers for this. He hadn’t even gone on this mission, he was still supposed to have answers. He had stayed back in the mansion as a coordinator, as his team had split off in three directions, Logan doing something out in rural Montana, Remy’s team going down to Antarctica, and Alex’s pair was in Spain to pick up a mutant in need of their help. Only, how could he answer Logan’s questions when he still had so many himself?

It wasn’t time for his own personal introspection, but Scott couldn’t help but think about when the team had come back, short of two members. He thought about what he had been told, what Rogue had done, told the team, before they had even gotten on the plane to come back, they were poking holes at the inconsistencies in her story. They realized what Rogue had done, that she had left him out to die, before she took off. When they caught up with her, she was a frozen body of the ground, having died the same way she had intended for their Cajun friend, but there was no sign of Remy’s body, they just found the inscribed knife he always kept in his boot, that everyone knew Jean-Luc had given him as a child. They told Scott Remy had tried to survive, that the knife was even out was a sign of that, but there was no body to be found, they assumed it had been knocked away in the wind and ice storm. 

Scott pushed down his pain and grief and the guilt, the awful guilt, that was ripping him to pieces, and the cause of the tears he was barely holding back, for the moment, he didn’t know how much longer he could go. He focused on the person who needed his attention the most right now, the person who deserved answers, deserved a body to bury, some kind of consolation, it was Logan. This would affect him more than probably anyone in this house, maybe more than himself and Alex. Scott and Alex had taken to Remy like a little brother, especially after he had started dating Spencer. And Scott knew Logan looked at Spencer like a son, but Remy was his best friend, they had a bond like no other than the one with Spencer, that Scott had ever seen with Remy. There was no one in the house who would grieve more. Not even Ororo, she was too twisted up inside over Remy's secrets that had been exposed, Rogue's actions, the whole ordeal.

Scott finally spoke after finishing the scotch in a quick gulp and pouring two more. “I wasn’t with the team that went to Antarctica, but from what I was able to piece together, it there was some kind of ridiculous trial…”

For fifteen minutes straight Scott talked about everything that he’d been able to piece together. Logan finally sat after a couple minutes. He downed his first two glasses of Scotch, and he was on his fourth by the time that Scott got to the end. A fifth was poured, just sipped at, while Scott did the same with the new one he’d just poured for himself. Just like that, while the two sat in silence for a moment the pain was back, cutting through him, like the jagged knife, and Scott was grateful his story was done because he didn’t think he could’ve said another word if his life depended on it. The tears, the emotion he had forced down for the last 48 hours bubbled over, he hadn’t let himself feel, not really, not with all the other people in the house looking at him, he was still their leader, he still had to be strong, to ignore the fact that two of his X-Men were dead, one by the traitorous actions of another, and another by mother nature’s revenge. That was what he wanted to think anyway. He tried desperately to force the tears out of his throat, but finally alone with Logan, one of his best friends, biggest supporters, and confidants, he failed. The tears started dripping down his face. Man, did he fight them, desperately trying to blink them back, to wipe his face before Logan moved from where he was blankly looking out the window with a scotch, not allowing himself to appear weak.

The tears didn’t stop though, they poured out heavier and heavier, Scott barely keeping quiet, until he gasped for air bringing Logan’s attention to him. Logan stared for a second before actually seeing Scott, not just looking at him, and in two large strides had crossed the room, pulled Scott up and into his arms, before plopping them both on the sofa in his office. Scott just let out heaving sobs, gasping for breath when he needed to with Logan rubbing his back before he pulled himself together and tried to push himself out of Logan’s hold, where he was held down even tighter. Logan spoke softly, “No, you don’t get to do that, you don’t have to be the leader in here right now, I bet anything you haven’t let yourself cry once yet, you need to Scott, t’s just me in here, just relax for a little bit. I can smell the guilt rolling off you, it’s not ya fault Scott, it’s de damn bitches fault, but I can’t even say I’m happy wit’ de whole ‘An eye for an eye, life for a life’ saying in this case, because we all know she don’t deserve to live, not after turning’ on de Cajun like dat, but I got plenty I’d 'a liked ta say to her before I sliced her ta pieces.” Scott relaxed for a while before saying “Thank you, Logan, really, and I know you’re just holding pieces together right now… it’s what I’ve been doing for almost over 48 hours now, but when you need to crumble, need a place to fall with a soft place to land, I’ll be right here waiting, always, anytime.” Logan just nodded before rasping out, the emotion clearly messing with his voice too, “Have ya told Spence yet?” Scott slowly drug himself to a sitting position before shaking his head and saying “I couldn’t, I needed answers first, answers that I barely got before you got here, and even then I still have more questions, but Alex and I were going to leave tonight.” Logan nodded and said “I’m comin’ I made a promise to the Cajun in case anything happened, I’d tell Spencer, he didn’t want to force you two to tell y’r brother that, I always knew ya would but I’m gonna honor my promise still. Scott just laid his head in his hand before mumbling out to where even Logan barely heard it, “Jean and I went back. We went back and looked at everything. She used her powers until she collapsed into me, barely conscious—there was no sign of him, we found the bitch though, right by a cave where ‘Ro and Bobby said they found her, they just left her there though, and we did too, she didn’t deserve anything better after what she did.”

Logan spoke in barely a whisper, “I’m not sure I’ll ever fully accept it without a body, the Cajun’s just to damn resourceful, he’s too strong, I know there’s no way he woulda survived this long out there really, but what if he found a safe place, what if he got himself out? I can’t just let go of him completely.” Scott nodded, “Maybe, but that’s not going to matter to Spencer I don’t think, this is going to crush him, and I don’t know if this is finally going to be the thing to knock him down, he can’t keep getting back up.” Logan just sat with his thoughts, fearful of this throwing Spencer back after he’d been clean for so long, he knew neither Scott nor Alex knew of their brother’s addiction, Remy had known, as had he after he and Remy had been on a mission in Virginia and popped by Spencer’s apartment to say hi. They had walked in on Spencer about to shoot up. Remy had talked him down, cried, begged him why he was going to throw his sobriety away, after so much work, and Spencer had just sobbed, talked about how awful the last case was, how he’d been kidnapped again, it was too similar to Georgia, that he needed an escape, he’d thought it would help. Spencer had brought Logan in on the secret, looking at him as a pseudo father figure, and begged him not to tell his brothers, and Logan hadn’t, as far as he knew, Remy and himself were the only ones Spencer acknowledged anything to, even though he’d explained that his team ‘knew’ and had helped him, there wasn’t really any word for word admission.

How long the two men sat in silence, pulling strength from the other, stuck with their thoughts, Scott didn’t know. He didn’t really care. There was a brief touch from his wife during which he let her know that they were fine, so she left him be, to deal with this, she knew he needed this just as much as Logan had, she knew he husband hadn’t been letting himself deal with anything, had known the guilt was killing him but she couldn’t do anything, she just hoped Logan could help, trusted her husband to do this on his own, and it seemed that had paid off. She was feeling a much better, less stony, destroyed person over their link. It had taken a lot of convincing earlier before she agreed to let this happen. Scott hadn’t been willing to give in. He and Logan might not have always gotten along and they might enjoy fighting with one another more than they probably should, but now it was in friendship, rather than true hatred—and God knows that man could push his buttons better than anyone else here, he always knows how to send Scott’s temper skyrocketing—but he had a feeling he was one of the only ones in the house who would understand the feral right now, just like Logan was one of the only ones who could understand the odd web of their relationships connecting Alex, Logan, Spencer, and Remy to himself, and understand the destructive pain he was feeling. No one else would realize the depth of Logan’s pain, the depth of Scott’s pain, or Alex who had mostly locked himself in his room. Most people here didn’t seem to realize just how deeply Scott and Logan did feel. Scott buried everything under a mask just like Logan. No one except Remy, he always understood both of their emotions perfectly, there was no hiding from him. But Remy’s not here anymore. Because you failed him. You failed him. Scott shoved those thoughts and that guilty voice down under another shot of scotch.

The bottle was three quarters gone and neither man was feeling the buzz when Logan finally spoke. “We should head down, it’ll be 6 by the time we get to DC, we should be able to meet him at his apartment, and not have to deal with the FBI.”

Scott nodded and the two slowly rose before Scott mumbled: “I’ll grab Alex, we’ll be in the garage in 30.” Logan threw back one more shot and Scott caught the last glimpse of pain in those blue eyes, before they froze over once more to hide everything and opened the door. In a way, Scott admired it, wished he could do the same, but knew it was the skill of a man who had lived through so much, lost so many, and had learned how to square his shoulders and just keep on keeping on. Those cool eyes lifted to Scott’s face, and together they slipped out the door and up to the hallway they had their rooms in, neither able to look at Remy’s door, nor the one Spencer uses when he would visit.

The 3 morose figures piled into one of the SUVs that Spencer always laughed and said they copied the FBI with. A silent audience watched on. No one dared say a word in the face of the fury on Logan’s face or the coldness of Scott’s expression, or the blankness of Alex’s. Logan had forced himself into Remy’s room, grabbed a couple of things into a duffle he knew Spencer would want right away, the rest, he couldn't bring himself to touch. Remy’s bike had been left in the garage under Spencer’s apartment in DC. With winter approaching, he hadn’t wanted to store it in New York. Logan was briefly grateful for that, otherwise, he would’ve for sure brought that down with them.

They eventually pulled into the parking lot of an apartment building. Logan pulled to where he knew the kid actually kept 2 extra spots for when his brothers or Logan or Remy came down, before hitting the brakes and cursing lowly. He looked to the other two in the car, before speaking “Are you guys okay going to the FBI? Remy and I have an arrangement with Agent Hotchner I need to speak to him about, and the pup ain’t home yet.” Two slow nods and Logan put the car in drive again, making the short trip to the FBI. Alex spoke up after being quiet most of the way, “Logan, we can’t go in there, we’re accused terrorists and you want us to go into the FBI?” Logan gave him a barely-there smirk that faded quickly before saying, “Just follow my lead, it’ll be fine.” With that, the three slid out of the car, both brothers noticing Logan looked like a man carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Someone who knew they were about to do something horrible and there was no way out of it.

They made their way into the front doors, and actually got through security with surprising ease, though Scott and Alex had never visited their brother at work before, Logan’s ease and simple lies made it obvious he had before, sparking serious curiosity over when he had been there before. A quick story of a hip replacement and a pat down instead of the metal detector, and explaining Scott just had an eye surgery and couldn’t take his sunglasses off and they were to the front desk where the lady called to ask “SSA Dr. Spencer Reid” that there was a “Logan, Alex, and Scott” here to visit him, and could they come upstairs. She gave them a nod and they headed off to the elevators after saying that they were his brothers so they knew where they were going, well at least Logan did, the two brothers though. The three slid off the elevators before entering the BAU bullpen, causing Rossi to almost slam into the trio. He looked up and was about to apologize before seeing their faces and saying “Oh! Scott and Alex, right? And, uh Logan, I think I’ve seen a picture of you all with Remy in Spencer’s apartment.” They nodded but had all slightly flinched at Remy’s name before Logan spoke up, “All correct, we needed to talk to Spencer in person for something.” Dave nodded more than a little confused before giving them smiles and saying “He’s at his desk, we’re just doing cold cases today.” He walked away and Logan spoke again, “I’m going to go get time off with his boss, you two just take him to the conference room and I’ll meet you there.” 

Logan slipped into Hotch’s office after a quick knock, fortunately, no one but the man himself was in there. He looked up and shock briefly flashed over his face before he said “Logan, come in, what can I do for you? Spencer didn’t mention you were in town.” Logan took a breath before saying “I just got here with Scott and Alex, I’m afraid he’s going to need a week or two off.” 

Hotch looked confused but started looking for the paperwork but said: “Is everything alright?” 

Logan just shook his head “Um, no, uh Remy, he um, the worst case scenario happened, he was in Antarctica and well, things went very wrong. Anything else Spencer wants you to know will be up to him, but his brothers and I came to inform him, he doesn’t know yet, it only happened 2 days ago.” Hotch’s eyes widened before his stoic mask was in place and he said: “I’m so sorry for your loss, if Spencer needs anything please, tell him to let us know.” Logan nodded and taking Spencer’s papers slipped across the walkway to the conference room getting interested stares from Spencer’s team. 

He entered and shut the door behind him where Spencer was sitting on a couch with his brother’s next to him. He looked between the three faces before his face cracked, and tears started pouring down his face “Please, no, Logan, guys, no, he’s, this isn’t a good visit is it?” Logan sat down and pulled Spencer into his side while his brothers were on his other side. “I’m so sorry Spencer, he was on a mission, and I’m so, so sorry Spencer, we’re all here for you.”

Spencer let out a wail of pure anguish before breaking down into sobs. Out in the bullpen, his team heard the cry but couldn’t see into the war room as all the blinds were closed. It felt like hours but was really only about 30 minutes before Spencer just collapsed unconscious against his brothers, overloaded with pure grief and heartache. Logan gently scooped him up with Scott moving his head so it was resting on Logan’s shoulder before the group headed out, not making eye contact or conversation with anyone. 

They got back to Spencer’s apartment right as Spencer was coming back and Spencer was confused for a minute before breaking down in tears again as the four entered the apartment. They settled on the couch and though Spencer remained on Logan, he pulled his brothers over so he could hold onto them as well. For the next couple hours no one moved, the 3 held on, desperately trying to send strength to the grieving young man, while knowing it wouldn’t do much good. They just held on and let him grieve whispering those same words over and over again. “That’s it, just let it go, telling him that he was safe, he had all of them and it was okay to let go, they were there for him and they weren’t going anywhere. Not once did they tell him it was okay, didn’t tell him it would be okay, that everything was going to be alright. He didn’t need that, and honestly, they didn’t know if it was true, Spencer had been knocked down so many times it was a miracle he was still going, and they didn’t know what this blow was going to do. 

The four made their way to Spencer’s room at 9, all exhausted, and curling around each other, everyone in need of comfort, they drifted to sleep, though it wasn’t really good for any of them, their emotions too powerful.


	2. Chapter 2

It was two weeks before Spencer went back to work again. 14 days spent at his apartment with Logan, Scott, and Alex for company. Alex had been sent home a week to make sure the mansion hadn’t completely fallen into chaos, but the next day Scott had gotten a call saying people were freaking out and blaming those who were also in Antarctica, and that Scott, as their leader needed to get back, though Spencer's recollections of much before his brothers left was vague. It was all a big kaleidoscope of pain and this never-ending emptiness that didn’t go away. Without Logan’s steady presence through the next week, there was no doubt in Spencer's mind that he would’ve sank down into a darkness he never would’ve returned from, gone out and shot up, probably quit his job and disappeared so far into nothingness even Penelope couldn’t find him. With Logan’s help, Spencer made it through that week, and through the days beyond. With his help, the pain dulled, though the emptiness stayed. It would always be there. Half of Spencer was gone, his whole heart was gone, ripped out of his chest and there was nothing in the world that could fill that void.

The person who returned to the Bureau wasn’t the same person that had left there before. The team had all been told that Spencer had taken the week off after losing someone, so they expected their friend to be hurting when he came back. The person who came back could not possibly have been, was barely recognizable as Dr. Spencer Reid, though Morgan noted that his coffee habits were just as strong as ever, actually probably more which couldn’t possibly be good.

The young man who came in that Monday morning was a shell of a person. His clothes drooped, he mindlessly went through the day with eyes that spoke of a broken heart. The team had realized it was Remy very quickly when Spencer had held the picture of the two of them that was on his desk and quietly cried during the lunch break, which JJ had noticed, but had not confronted him about. It was Derek who put it into words for them after the end of that Monday, and after JJ had shared what she saw, Derek had said “There’s no life in him.” That was the perfect description. All the life had been drained away from him. The happiness, the sweet shyness he was known for, that fire that had gotten him through a hellish and tragic life was gone. Garcia was the one that had hesitantly pointed out “He’s literally dying from a broken heart.” His eyes were blank, with none of the innocent emotion they usually had. The life had been drained away from him in one single moment and there was nothing any of them could do to bring it back. Spencer knew he was worrying his friends. On some sub level, he knew he needed to live, to survive, he just didn’t have it in him to care. If he let himself feel anything, then he’d have to let himself feel the pain he was drowning in, and he wouldn't have survived that. He shut himself down, locked every part of himself away. He knew he was hurting himself. He was an empath, locking that much emotion away, not letting himself feel anything was like sentencing himself to death. He didn’t care, that would’ve been better than then drowning, lost feeling. Logan stayed with him, and when he tried to slip out at the beginning in the middle of the night, tried to fall back onto Dilaudid, Logan would wake up, wouldn’t let him out of the house for the rest of the night. He didn’t care how much effort it took, Logan was not going to let him throw away all those years of sobriety like that. He knew Remy would never forgive him if they met up again in Heaven or Hell or whatever was beyond, if he let Spencer relapse. So he never did. And the one time Spencer got out of the house without waking him up, Logan was waiting when he got back. Took the drugs away and emptied the vials, got rid of the evidence in case any of his coworkers came over. Spencer had hated him that night, screamed at him, punched and kicked him. Logan just took it until he got his arms around Spencer and wrapped his body around his pup, holding him there until he calmed into sobs, and eventually into sleep.

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Losing people was a pain that Logan was far too familiar with. Even with his messed up memories, he knew that loss had been a part of his long life many, many times. He knew what it was to lose someone close to you, someone that you cared for, who was such an important part of your life. That was part of why no one could get close to him. He didn’t want to lose them. And he always lost them. Just as he’d lost Remy. The pain of that was sharp and hot in his heart and shredded him in ways he hadn’t felt in a long time. Yet, it was a familiar pain, one he knew well and one he knew how to cope with. It was harsh, but that’s how it was. He knew how to live with this kind of pain and grief. He knew how to handle the memories when they swarmed up over such simple things as a clove cigarette, or the sound of a violin, or he caught sight of a dark trench coat in a crowd and his heart jumped praying it was his Cajun, for reality to smack him in the face when he would see the person’s face. He knew Remy was gone, like he knew all of those other people in his life were gone, but something in him couldn’t shake Remy off, maybe it was because there was no body, but he was sure that the light in Remy’s portion of his heart would never totally go out, not until he had indisputable proof his Cajun was dead. Those memories were all things that Logan knew how to handle and how to live with though, all things he knew how to work through. A few drinks, a good fight or two, and he could burn away the pain.

But nothing told him how to handle watching a friend slowly dying a little more each and every day, right there in front of him. Nothing told him how to fix that. Not alcohol, no fights, no memories for him to pull back on, nothing told him how to save his friend, his best friend’s brother, his pseudo-son. His pup was dying before his eyes and there was nothing he could do. Both Scott and Alex had been back up to visit once, and checked in with Logan almost every other night, the reports getting increasingly worrying. Warren had suggested at one X-Men meeting after just about 5 weeks that Logan shouldn't be coming back by now, and was snapped at by an overwhelming number of people. Scott and Alex had both been all over him, as had Jean, Storm, and a few others who new Spencer the best from his visits to the mansion, and had been getting irregular updates from Scott when they asked after him, receiving little more than a short “Spencer’s not doing well but Logan is doing everything he can.”

Spencer had been back at work for seven weeks now and, to anyone out and about, he would’ve seemed like a normal person, but that would’ve required him to go out for more than just basic necessities.. He’d even managed normal enough to somehow convince the psychologist he was ordered to see to let him out into the field. That had sent Logan into a long and furious rant when Aaron Hotchner had called to give him the heads up, and made Logan the target of a nearly identical one when he had passed the message along to Scott and Alex. Logan couldn’t understand how stupid the shrinks must be, because he knew Spencer’s team saw how he wasn’t okay, that was why Hotch had called him with the warning. How on earth had anyone found Spencer ‘okay’? It seemed so obvious to Logan that the man was still pretty broken inside, the grief the man was being drowned by? Everything was still so wrong, so messed up. The BAU team saw it, Logan knew, and that was the only comfort Logan had when Spencer drug himself out the door every morning to go to work. They took care of Spencer while he was with them and Logan took care of him back at home. But it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

“I’m trying, Rem.” Logan said, standing on the rooftop of Spence’s building and smoking a cigar. He looked up at the night stars and sighed. “I’m trying. But it ain't me he needs, he needs y’r Cajun ass. I do too, but not as bad as the pup. I always told ya that you were underestimating the kid, ya said he was too good fo’ ya, that he might stop lovin’ ya. He loves ya more than you’ll ever know now, and I don’t know how the hell I can get him to live without ya. But I’m trying. I’m really trying. I don’t know what to do when the one person he needs ain’t here no more. De kid’s fallin’ apart. Some days, I hope ya still out there somewhere, dat y’r comin’ home to us and it’s just takin’ ya too damn long. He’s losin’ weight, he ain’t sleepin’-it’s bad Rems. Other days I think it might be worse if ya come home and he realizes he didn’t have to go through this. I don’t know, I think y’r out there somewhere, if ya be watchin’ over us up there, ya gotta help him before he goes to far and we can’t pull him back. If y’r out here somewhere, then hurry y’r Cajun ass up and get here before he crumbles even worse. I don’t think many people think y’r still alive, even though no one found ya body, but if ya are, ya gotta come back to us, ya always got a home here, I need ya, Spencer needs ya, ‘Ro’s falling to pieces according to Scott, hell even Scott and Alex need ya. If y’r up there give me a sign it’s all gonna be okay soon. Hell, I miss ya Cajun, I’m tryin’ ta keep de pup okay but I don’t know how much longer he’s gonna last. I hope y’r okay Rem, I’m going to do everything I can to keep the kid safe.”

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They were going to lose him. They were losing him.

It was a painful realization that the whole team was coming to. They had a front row seat to the painful loss of they’re favorite genius, they were watching him crumble, and despite doing everything they could, it hurt. All of them privately wondered how much of him could actually be saved anymore. Logan kept them updated on the home aspect of things the best he could. According to him, Spencer still hadn’t relapsed into Dilaudid, though it had been close, but he wasn’t drinking or doing anything else, they all counted that as a little win. Spencer was still in there somewhere, fighting, and they were going to try and pull him back. They saw him everyday, that watched him become a wisp of a man. He was slipping away faster than any of them could do anything about it.

They had thought Spencer was bad when he first came back to work, but he had become but a mere robot of the one he’d been. Dark circles drooped under his eyes. The once cheerful and awkward babble that the good doctor had been known for was gone. On cases, he was more powerful than ever, facts easily pulled up, emotionless in the face of horrendous crime scene pictures. No one could deny that he did his job. Useless facts and statistics, the lectures they would all cut off without a second thought, were gone though, and they missed them. At home, they all worried about him, when they couldn’t see him, make sure he was still alive for themselves. Derek was going to church for the first time since he couldn’t remember, and he prayed, by God, he prayed, begged for some change, some way to help his pretty boy, to pull him back from the edge of the empty abyss Spencer seemed to be hovering around. Rossi was going to church religiously as well, JJ was stuck in her thoughts at home, Emily had stopped going out, she threw her effort into using any connections she could to get some answers for her boy genius.

Spencer was drawing into himself more and more, too often stuck in his head. Thinner, too, not that he could’ve ever afforded to lose weight to begin with. He’d changed in a station locker room one day after getting mud on his shirt and Derek had come in to use the restroom. He was pretty sure that he could’ve put his hands together and encircled his waist completely. He was nearly a skeleton. He was going through the motions of life eating when told, otherwise skipping meals, choosing not to, Derek didn’t think so, he was actually forgetting the basic activities he needed to do to survive. He would sleep when taken or sent to a room. He doesn’t fight on his personal care, he just doesn’t realize it on his own anymore, like it doesn’t register.

The whole team was worried, he was slipping through their fingers, he was going to drop to far and what if they couldn’t pull him back up.

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Days don’t mean anything to Spencer now. He’s pushed back the pain for so many months now, it’s been 6 months, 20 days, 19 hours and 48 minutes since Logan and Scott and Alex ripped his world to pieces. Days, living, didn’t matter after that, Remy was gone. Sometimes he’d catch himself calling Remy’s number, knowing no one would answer, hoping each time someone would, clutching the little phone tightly as he listened to the message as it’s the only source of Remy’s voice he has right now. He came home that night, his usual routine for Friday nights, ready to drop into bed and shut the world away again until Monday. 

Until he walks through his doorway and hears voices, Logan and…. He steps into the living room tears already dripping down his face. Jean-Luc looks up at him with a gentle smile, that one that’s both comforting, and makes you think you’ve done something wrong. Jean-Luc stood up and wrapped Spencer in a hug. Tears run down both of their faces and as Jean-Luc sits down, he pulls Spencer with him, wrapping him into his side before speaking in his thick, beautiful accent, that actually made Spencer feel, he felt warm, he felt… loved, again. “Spencer, _mon fils_ , what’a ya d’in ta y’s self? Ya can move on, Remy wouldn’t be mad at ya fo’ b’in happy. He wouldn’t want’cha like dis t’ough, ta hurt y’self dis bad. I haven’t seen ya in mont’s, hadn’t seen ya f’r too long ‘til de funeral and den haven’t seen ya since den, me. Spencer, Remy o’ no, ya _mon fils_ , dat ain’t gon’ change, ya got ta take care ‘a y’self. I ain’t gon let _mon fils_ waste away like dis. I been callin’ ya, wantin’ ta see ya but ya haven't been answerin’ an’ I was worried ‘bout ya.” Spencer just mumbles into his shirt “Sorry” that makes Logan jaw drop. Jean-Luc sends him a questions look and Logan whispers “That’s the first word he’s willingly said outside of work in months.” Jean-Luc just nods and continues speaking to Spencer, rubbing his hand down his back “It’s okay Spencer, but what’s not okay is my callin’ de mansion ta try and get some update after ya, bein’ sent ta Logan here, only fo’ him ta tell me ya basically wastin’ away, ya killin’ y’self and dat’s why ya ain’t been answerin’ ma calls.” “I’m sorry, it just… hurts, it’s all empty and cold inside.” “ah, ah, _non, mon fils_ , I don’ want excuses, reasons, I want change, hmm?” Spencer nods into his shirt reminding Jean-Luc of Remy when he was a child, curled up against his side, his head on his chest, and he knows he’s seen Spencer lay on Remy like this sometimes too. 

Slowly, quietly, completely comfortable, Spencer slowly speaks “Remy had been there for so long for me, he was such a big part of me, he was me, he was my whole heart. He warmed me up inside, made everything all cozy. Now everything’s just cold, empty, horrible.” Logan watches with a tiny smile starting tospread his face, and immediately knows as much as he tried to convince Jean-Luc not to come, that he wouldn’t want to see Spencer like this, he’s glad he came up. He has no clue how much he had to pay to get up here that fast, but Logan thinks it’s so worth it, this barely coherent, mumbled, painful speech, is more alive than he’s seen the kid in almost 7 months. Jean-Luc spoke again “It doesn’t have ta be all cold and dark and empty inside Spencer, Remy wouldn’t want’cha ta do dat I’m sure.” ‘Do ya t’ink he would?” Spencer shook his head so Jean-Luc continued “No, he wouldn’t, what y’r doin’ ta y’rself, dis ain’t healthy, ya gotta take care a’ y’rself. Now tell me, how do ya feel right now?” “Empty, hurting I guess, but warm, kind of cuddly, safe.” “See, now dat’s not all bad is it? Warm, cuddly, safe? Dat’s all good right?” Spencer nodded before mumbling “But I haven’t felt them before?” “Why do ya t’ink ya feelin’ dem now den?” “bdskjdfhfskjvc” Spencer mumbled. “What was dat?” Jean-Luc asks softly. “Because you’re here, and it’s like he’s not totally gone right now, so I feel… I don’t know.” Jean Luc smiles down at him and gently pets his hair “Dat’s okay, ya been pushin’ off dis grievin’ dis healin’ fo’ too long now, but you’ll get de’re. But Spencer, if ya wanted ta see me, all ya had ta do was call, it don’t matter when, I’dve been up here before de next day, so ya call me next time, okay? But fo’ now, I t’ink I’m gon’ stay up here a bit, I been needin’ ta see ya just as much as you been needin’ me it seems.” Spencer quietly spoke “Can I go to my room now, I, I love you but it’s just, I don’t know, a lot.” “Of course _mon fils_ , we’ll get dere, we’ll bring ya back, don’t matter how long it takes. Je t’aime _mon fils_.” Jean-Luc gave him a kiss on the forehead before Spencer pushed himself up and disappeared into his room.

Jean-Luc looked to Logan and let out a slight sigh, “I see what you mean now he’s barely talking, He feels like there’s nothing there.” Logan let out a quiet barking laugh “barely talking! You have no idea what kind of progres that was, how… amazing that was, how happy that whole interaction made me. He communicated, voluntarily, about _feelings_! On things that weren’t work related! Everything he’s said to me in the last month and a half, hasn’t added up to as many words as in that one conversation. I’m lucky to get a head nod or shake half the time because he’s so out of it.” 

“He, wow, I didn’t realize, when you said it was bad, I thought you were exaggerating.”

Logan shook his head, “But that, I don’t know if your magic, but please, keep working, because he hasn’t said that much at once since before everything started, and I don’t know how long you were planning on staying, but if you can at least stay maybe a week or so, I think that could be huge. But I do want to say, help him how you can, but don’t push him, especially about food, and sleep, personal care stuff. He tends to go nearly catatonic and will do the bare minimum of what you say, and he’ll eat if you tell him to, but he has been so rarely, that I think if you try to make him eat more too fast it’ll be even worse.” Jean-Luc nodded “When I hugged him, his ribs, it felt like he’s been starving himself for months. How much is he actually eating?” Logan sighed, “Very little, it’s a very good day if he eats a whole meal at some point, pretty good if you can get him to sit down and eat about half a meal, normal would be he’ll eat a meal or so every couple days unless someone really works at trying to get him to eat more. When they’re on cases in stations Aaron told me they’ve taken to putting some kind of high-calorie, or really any snack on the table while they work, and just casually snacking, and every so often encouraging him to take a pretzel or something. It sounds like it’s helping a little, he doesn’t remember to eat on his own, but if prompted he’ll snack a little which has been helping to lessen the fears that he’s just going to collapse, but sleep… on a good day I think he’s getting maybe 4 hours, 5 or 6 if someone prompts him but still not great.” 

Jean-Luc rubbed his face before saying, “Alright, well, we’ll work from there, I think I’m going to try just getting him to talk about anything for now if he’s been talking as little as you say.”

Logan nodded, “Are you staying here or a hotel?” 

“Hotel, I’ll head back now, try and get some sleep, I’ll be here in the morning.”

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Spencer curled up in the reading chair in his room and just wrapped himself up with his thoughts:

When he’d met Remy he was immediately drawn to him. Wonderful, crazy, insane, vibrant Remy. The man had enough life packed inside of him for three people, and then some. When he walked into a room, he drew all eyes, became the center of attention, and he loved it. He thrived on it. No matter where he went, he was the life of the party, filling up each room with his very essence. Just as he filled Spencer's life. He filled up the empty places inside of Spencer. Brought a life to him that had never been there before. That’s gone now. The anchor that held Spencer down, the glue that held him together. This beautiful, vibrant man who had such heart and personality that he made a skinny little nobody feel like he was somebody. He was gone. And Spencer had no idea how to hold on to who he is without him. He doesn’t know if there’s even anything left to hold on to, but seeing Jean-Luc, seeing his lover’s father, it lit something. Maybe it was time to change, he wouldn’t go back to who he was, couldn’t, not without Remy by his side, maybe, just maybe, he could survive, he could live, not just exist.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Spencer woke up with that familiar empty, cold feeling that begged him to just stay in his room and do nothing. But then he heard the voices again, and he couldn’t explain it, but somehow, he knew he desperately needed a hug, and one from Jean-Luc would be even better, but Logan’s been with him for so long, maybe he needs a hug? Could he do two hugs? He decided to try. He slid out of bed and into one of the shirts he was wearing pretty much every other day he didn’t have work. It was one of Remy’s and it was one of his favorites. It had fit his cajun perfectly, so it was loose on Spencer, but not too long. He hesitantly made his way into the kitchen, catching Logan by surprise that he was up that early. Nonetheless, as Logan had said, every day he’d stayed with Spencer, “Mornin’ Spencer, ya sleep okay pup?” Spencer couldn’t bring himself to talk quite yet this morning, but acknowledged it with a nod, thrilling Logan with the interaction, even non-verbal. Spencer made coffee before hesitantly walking to where Logan was leaning on the counter and took a breath before wrapping his arms around Logan really tightly. Logan gasped and looked wide-eyed at Jean-Luc before quickly returning the hug, just for a couple seconds before Spencer stepped away and looked down. He stepped over to Jean-Luc for a quick hug before stepping back just as fast and sliding back into his room without saying a word. Logan floundered for a minute before saying “Did, did that just happen?” Jean-Luc smiled and nodded prompting Logan to say “For the first couple months, I begged him,  _ begged _ him to do something, scream, cry, hit me, hug me, just acknowledge that he was alive. He hasn’t let me hug him since, honestly I think it was about 5 days after we told him, before Alex or Spencer had to go back, and we all slept in the same bed because he didn’t want to be alone. Jean-Luc smiled “Even for a person who doesn’t love touch, 6 months is a long time with no contact, maybe he finally decided he was ready.”

  
Just after lunch that day Spencer actually ventured out of his room for more coffee before settling in to the corner of the sofa to read, and though he didn’t acknowledge them, he remained put when the older two came in and sat near him. Jean-Luc sat next to him and pulled him to lean on him, which Spencer allowed, but still didn’t do anything beyond closing the book and shutting his eyes. Jean-Luc spoke up softly “Spencer, are y’ hungry?” Spencer just shook his head before laying his head on Jean-Luc’s lap and falling asleep. After a couple minutes Logan spoke “Not that it’s a good thing he still doesn’t think he’s hungry but at least he’s getting some more sleep. I got up at 2 to go to the restroom and he was still awake, and when I got up this morning he was asleep but still, I would doubt he got more than 4, maybe 5 hours because he came for coffee so early. Jean-Luc nodded and just ran a hand soothingly over Spencer’s hair. When Spencer woke up, he had tears in his eyes and Jean-Luc asked him what was wrong before he could wipe them away. Spencer just shrugged before sitting up, “I dreamt about him, and now I miss him more and I’m all cold and alone and broken inside.” Jean-Luc pulled Spencer to his shoulder before saying, “Y’ve locked down any emotion, y’rs and o’ter people’s for near 7 mont’s, I wan’ ya to try and open your shields. Tell me what you feel.” Spencer shook his head and Jean-Luc repeated his request “Just try, please,  _ mon fils _ .” Spencer hesitantly did so, reaching for Jean-Luc first, and then Logan. He closed his shields up tight again before nodding and Jean-Luc said: “So what did you feel?” “Worry, love, pain from you mostly, Joy but also worry a little from Logan.” “Why do you think that is?” Spencer shrugged so Jean-Luc spoke “Well for me I can tell y’ worry b’cause I’m worried about you, I don’t t’ink y’r eatin’ enough, or sleepin’ enough, you’ve been having a really hard time for so long and I just want to help you. Love b’cause I love ya  _ mon fils _ , y’ll always be m’ son, no matte’ what. And pain, b’cause jus’ like y’ Spencer, I miss him too, I don’t t’ink it’ll ever go away but I change what I can and work t’rough what I can’t. Now Logan dere, he’s worried ‘bout y’ too, but he’s happy, b’cause from what he’s said, you’ve made a lot of progress just in these last couple days, and that’s all we want fo’ ya.” Spencer just nodded and said, “I think I’m going to go back to my room now, okay?” Jean-Luc nodded and kissed the top of his head again before letting him go.

The next morning when Spencer woke up, that warm fuzzy feeling he’d enjoyed knowing that Jean-Luc was there was gone. He just felt nothing good. He hurt, it was cold and empty, he felt dead inside again. He didn’t want to move, so he didn’t. He just stayed in his room all morning and cried for a while, cuddled with a couple of Remy’s clothes that Logan had washed too many times and didn’t smell like Remy anymore. He had to fight back an audible whine at that knowing he didn’t want to deal with people coming in to see what was wrong. At around 3:00 Logan knocked on his door, “Hey Spencer, I know you don’t want to do anything today but you need to eat something, it’s been a couple of days and you have work tomorrow, please?” Spencer sighed but pulled himself out of bed and opened the door, before slipping to the kitchen. As usual there was a plate already set out for him. It had some chicken, some mashed potatoes, a little roll, and some broccoli. He slid into the seat never looking up. He ate most of the chicken, a bite or two of the roll, and most of the broccoli. He took 2 bites of the mashed potatoes before running to the bathroom and getting sick. He was vaguely aware of someone… Logan holding his hair back but didn’t really notice because he was getting sick again. When he finally slumped back against the wall Logan got him some water before sitting next to him again and speaking “I’m sorry Spence, yesterday and the night before were so good, I think I rushed you so I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have put so much food on the plate.” Spencer said nothing but started to cry and Logan was quick to pull him into an embrace, “Shhh, shhh, it’s okay Spence, it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have put so much food out on the plate.” Spencer shrugged before slowly getting up and going back to his room.

Logan came back out to the kitchen where Jean-Luc was, “Sorry, obviously today is not quite as good of a day as yesterday was, and then I gave him too much food and he got sick so we’ll be lucky for him to eat anything for the next couple of days.” Jean-Luc looked over the man in front of him who looked just plain exhausted and worn out. He walked over and pulled the man in front of him into a hug, he knew Logan wasn’t a big touchy person but he could tell he needed it. Logan relaxed against his body and when they pulled apart, Jean-Luc pulled out his wallet and then his hotel key before handing it to Logan. “Go get some good sleep, the room number is on the back of the card, get a good meal in you, just relax for a night, and no it is not a discussion, go.” He added the last part seeing Logan’s mouth open before he had finished speaking. Logan’s jaw snapped shut before he reopened it, “I need to stay here with Spencer, especially since he went back to the way he was before today, I need to make sure he doesn’t try to leave at like 2 or 3, especially if he views whatever today was as a setback.” Jean-Luc smiled and walked to the door, “And I am staying here, I promise I will not let him leave for whatever reason you would like him not to, now go.” “Okay, going. Thank you, I’ll be back tomorrow morning around 5.”

The next morning Logan was there, right at 5:01, having slept better than he could remember in a while. Spencer seemed to be in the middle of his Saturday and Sunday moods, he was still very quiet, and back to being a little emotionless but was saying smaller sentences and responding to simpler conversations, without staring at you blankly. He drank a cup of coffee and made one for the drive in before slipping out the door with quiet goodbyes to the people in his apartment.

As soon as Spencer left the apartment, Logan was whipping out his phone to call Hotch. It was picked up quickly “Hello?”

“Hey Hotch, are you at the office yet and if you are, is most of the team?” 

“Yes, I am, and I think everyone but Morgan is here… no, he just walked in.”

“Okay, You’ve got like 15 minutes before Spencer gets there but can you get everyone in your office really fast.”

“Yeah”...……...

“Okay Logan, we’re all in here, you’re on speaker, what’s up?”

“This weekend was honestly probably the best we’ve had since, I can’t even remember. Jean-Luc, Remy’s dad came up to visit for a little while and it was like night and day, Spencer walked in Friday looking the same as normal but when he saw Jean-Luc, he actually gave him a hug and curled up on the sofa for a while with him. They actually talked, like a real conversation, they were short sentences, but he was volunteering information when Jean-Luc asked questions. He talked about how he was feeling, why he was happier with Jean-Luc, I mean, it was amazing. Saturday went pretty well too, Sunday was back to normal, I tried to get him to eat a full meal for dinner because he hadn’t eaten at all before that, but he got sick so don’t be surprised if he won’t eat anything for a day or too, but then this morning, he was starting to open up again. Not quite to Friday, but he spoke quiet, short sentences. He said goodbye to both of us before leaving without us saying it first, I mean, I can only hope it lasts when Jean-Luc goes back to New Orleans, but basically I was hoping you guys could try and take advantage of this week and see if you can get anywhere with him.”

The whole team was shocked, and thrilled and Derek quickly said: “What did you want us to do?”

“Just try simple questions, maybe yes/no if he seems to be closing up so he can just shake his head, maybe questions with 2 options so he doesn’t feel so lost trying to pull random answers out of the air, but I’m really hoping this progress lasts but we’ll see.”

The team readily agreed and after sharing thrilled smiles, slipped back to their desks to act normal when Reid got in. 

He walked in about 5 minutes later and they could see a difference, he still didn’t make eye contact, but he looked around quickly and his eyes didn’t look quite as blank. He slid into his chair not saying anything but Derek decided to start out normal, he’d asked Reid the same question every Monday for a while but usually just got a blank look, he was hoping for a response this morning. 

“Morning Pretty Boy.”

Reid’s response was quiet, but there “Morning Morgan,” He hadn’t lifted his head so he hadn’t noticed the smile that lit up Derek’s face as well as Emily’s face. 

“How was your weekend?” Derek continued

“Some good, some bad.” The smile remained firmly planted on his face with that response.

“What was good?”

“Jean-Luc came, he’s warm, cozy, safe.” Abruptly he cut himself off and Derek figured he was done talking for now. He didn’t care, those 3 sentences had made his week, hell they probably made his whole month.

The whole team made tiny conversation throughout the day, and usually got quiet, hesitant responses out of him, though sometimes he went quiet, the team was beyond thrilled.

With that one day, the whole team’s energy had been renewed, they could see the exhausting effort Spencer was putting in to try and move forward and by God if they were going to give up on him now.

The rest of the week continued similarly, and though they didn’t make much progress beyond the simple sentences when it came to small talk, it was more than enough for them.

Jean-Luc had to get back to New Orleans briefly for a couple days after that, and Spencer withdrew again, and the team gently coaxed, but they were hit by more blank stares than they would’ve liked, but they tried. After a week Jean-Luc came back and gently coaxed Spencer out of the shell again. He was still barely eating, but he was able to occasionally make eye contact, and he had taken to slightly more complex sentences in his morning exchange with Derek, the group meetings the team had been doing every so often on ideas to help Spencer which had slowly started tapering off were back, and brighter, more enthused than ever. Everyone was hopeful Spencer had finally turned the corner and coming back to them, they had hope they would really be able to get there. Finally, the impossible no longer looked quite so impossible.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been 9 months since Spencer had lost Remy. 2 months since he had his breakthrough with Jean-Luc. The man still had to go back to New Orleans every couple weeks for a few days but tried to time it while Spencer was on a case. He had gone down when Spencer had left for the case he was returning from, and the man had texted Spencer that morning and said he was back in the apartment and waiting for him. Spencer still wasn’t really sleeping, barely eating, he forgot most of the time, and when he remembered he just couldn’t find the energy to. He had actually gotten the strength to see Will once when he went to see Henry. That was one time he actually felt okay, the pure joy and love of a child, JJ had been telling Henry Spencer hadn’t been feeling good and that was why he couldn’t see him. She was thrilled not to have to say that anymore. Spencer loved the time with Henry, it was one of the only times he felt truly happy. He hadn’t seen will because everyone was worried the accent would throw Spencer over the deep end, but after the extremely positive reactions to Jean-Luc who’s accent was thicker than Will’s after moving away for a few years ago, he had tried, and though there hadn’t been any kind of safety net advances like with Jean-Luc, Spencer had not had any painful effects with seeing Will more than any of his team. He was still mostly speaking quietly unless he was speaking with a local officer, then he was able to pull up his voice for the conversations, but the team could see that the effort left him physically and mentally drained, and tried to keep Spencer as well insulated as possible, not wanting him to go backward. He had days where people got blank stares, where he was lost in his mind, but the days were fewer and fewer lately. He made brief eye contact with his teammates sometimes, and occasionally would prompt a ‘good morning’ or ‘how was your weekend’ on his own. The team was thrilled, and so proud of him, and made sure that he knew that. He had had one bad day on the case on the 2nd day they were there, not talking hardly at all, flat out refusing to eat, but someone, he didn’t know who, had tipped Jean-Luc off who had called him the next morning and they talked for 15 minutes bringing Spencer out of his mind and back to the case.

As the team was boarding the plane for the 3-hour flight home that Saturday after wrapping the case, back in DC, a man with striking auburn hair and a long trench coat was slipping off the city bus. He walked around the corner and down the street to a very familiar apartment complex. The place he knew he was always welcome, he would always be accepted and loved here. He stared up at it for a moment allowing a huge smile, the first of the last hellish 9 months, to stretch over his face. He crossed to the front door of the building pulling it open, and catching an elevator up to the right floor, 9 months of separation doing nothing to impede his memory. He stopped in front of the apartment door and for the first time during his journey let his nerves dance for a moment at finally being home, finally feeling at home, before taking a breath and knocking on the door. He had a brief thought he hoped the person was home before he heard the lock clicking, reminding the man to talk to the apartment owner about putting in a peephole, before the door opened, revealing not Spencer Reid, who he had been expecting, but “Logan!”

Logan heard a knock on the door and unsure who it could be, but assuming it was a package or something, unlocked the door and opened it to reveal a person, he had prayed to see again, but never thought he would… “My god, Remy, is it good to see you.” The shock had hit both of them like a freight train but even then, there was only one brief pause in shock on either side and then both men were moving. Remy dropped his bag in just enough time to find himself caught up in a familiar hug so tight his ribs protested, yet he only allowed a small grimace to pass over his face before he laughed and tightened his own hold around Logan’s neck. “Bon Dieu, mon ami, it’s good to see y’! Y’ got no idea how much Remy missed ya Wolvie.” A smile lit Logan’s face at the nickname he thought he would never spill out of his cajun’s mouth again, and he couldn’t help the response, “I’m pretty sure I missed you more.” Logan’s arms tightened until Remy was sure the damage that had been done to his ribs in his escape was being made worse. He didn’t get the chance to say anything, though, that tightness was brief and then Logan was letting him go and pulling back to grin down at him. “Son of a bitch. It’s really you.” Remy directed a massive smile towards his best friend saying “De one and only,  _ cher _ ” while wrapping an arm around his re-throbbing ribs. Logan’s smile turned into a frown, not one to miss anything, and quickly stared Remy down, “What’s wrong with you?” “Just a couple ‘a bruised up ribs, nothing big, dey’ll heal on deir own.” Logan nodded, accepting it before allowing a huge smile to take over his face again, as he bumped Logan’s shoulder sliding by him into the apartment. 

Logan waited a whole 3 seconds before asking the obvious question “Where de hell ya been Remy?” Remy grimaced at the reminder of the life he’d escaped only a week before he spat a simple “Bein’ Sinister’s fuckin’ experiment pet.” That was all he had to stay, Logan understood. Remy asked the question he had been desperate to know the answer to, and equally praying not to know, in the end he swallowed before saying, “Dat femme, um, Rogue…” That was all he was able to get out before he had to turn away, the anger the tears at her betrayal, but Logan understood. “She’s dead.” “Good,” Remy spat but curiosity got the best of him and he asked, “What happened to her?” Logan looked at Remy with a look that questioned if he really wanted to know and he nodded so Logan spoke “From what we were told when the group got back, after the fucking fake ass trial, she told them you were dead when she found you out on the ice, but there were holes in her story, Ororo and Bobby started asking questions before they even left, she shouted at them that she had left you, um, on the ice to die and took off into a snowstorm. The team looked for you and her for 2 days, they never found your body obviously, but they found her dead body, frozen to death, out in a cave they found. Just left her there, seemed fitting, and when they came back to the mansion to say what happened, Jean and Scott went back down there, looked for you unil Jeannie collapsed in exhaustion, I got back to the mansion a day after they got back from their search from my mission in Montana and Scott told me all of that then, and then that night we drove down here to tell Spencer.”

Remy just nodded at him before spitting out, “Sure, she left Remy to die on the ice, no home wit’ de X-Men no more she say, but Sinister followed us out dere, leavin’ Remy alone was de practically gift-wrappin’ ‘im for de  _ connard _ . T’ough I s’pose he saved Remy’s life, no doubt would’ve froze to death o’terwise. Enough ‘bout dat t’ough. Where’s Spencer?” Logan grimaced lightly before saying, “the kid’s coming back from a case tonight, he’s on the plane right now actually, I’m picking him up in like 3 hours, but before that, there’s someone else in here that’s been stayin’ with me and the pup I think you’ll like to see.” Logan added the last piece with a smile. Remy curiously followed Logan into the living room, so happy to be home, to see the little piece of Spencer, but when he got into the living room his jaw dropped. He slapped a hand over his mouth before rushing over to Jean-Luc and crushing him in a hug. He could only get out a whispered “Papa” before straight tears started pouring down both of their faces. Logan watched to two embrace with a smile on his face as he leaned against the wall. After 5 minutes the tears slowed and Remy adjusted himself so he was more comfortably curling against his  _ pere _ with his arms still wrapped around him. Logan went to the kitchen to give them a minute and make coffee for the three of them. Remy laid his head on his father and whispered, “Remy missed ya so much papa, didn’t know if he was gon’ get ta see y’ again.” His eyes started watering again and Jean-Luc ran a hand down his hair, “Shhh, it’s okay  _ mon fils _ , y’r back now, y’r  _ pere’s _ got ya, y’r safe now.” They exchanged happy words and cuddles until Logan walked back in, who couldn’t help but bark out a laugh turning curious eyes to him. “You look exactly like Spencer did, curled up against ya’s papa like that.” Remy let his trademark smirk cross his face before saying “Course we do, taught ma Penny de proper way to cuddle, Remy did.” “One of a kind Gumbo, one of a kind.” Logan laughed, shaking his head. 

Remy’s smile faded after a minute and he demanded “Where’s Spencer? Not that I’m not thrilled to see you two, but...” A shadow passed through Logan’s eyes that had Remy going cold. That coldness only got worse when Logan shook his head, “I have to pick him up from the airport in a couple of hours, he’s getting back from a case in about 3 hours.”

The words were calm, normal even, and yet all of Remy’s internal alarms were screaming. It wasn’t the words so much as the way they were said, the look on Logan’s face as he said them, and the short head shake that had preceded them. And, Logan was picking Spencer up, Spencer usually didn’t even let Remy pick him up, preferring to be more independent. Plus, nothing was ever basic or simple with Spencer, it was one of the things he thought was adorable about his love/ He slowly asked the one question he knew would bring answers he wouldn’t like, but that he had to know. “How bad, Logan?”

Logan’s eyes darkened once more and he felt his father tense around him. For one split second, Remy could see Logan actually hesitating to answer, which only made him more afraid. Then he saw Logan let out a small sigh and his shoulders slumped slightly in defeat/ Logan hooked his thumbs in his pockets, a pose Remy knew meant that he was bracing himself for some shit. “Bad, he’s been doin’ better these last two months yer papa’s been staying with us, but it’s not good, especially if you didn’t see him before these two months.” He said bluntly, the very first word confirming Remy’s fears, the rest of the sentence confusing and tearing Remy apart inside. He looked to Jean-Luc, “Ya been here two mont’s papa?” Jean-Luc nodded, I’d been trying to get in contact with him after your… after your uh funeral for a few months with no success, called the mansion, Scott gave me Logan’s phone number, and Logan tried to convince me not to come, that I wouldn’t want to see Spencer how he was, but it was a good thing I did when I finally showed up was when he finally started healing.” Remy grimaced at that knowledge, knowing Spencer couldn’t have been in a good place if Logan tried to keep his papa away.” He looked to Loganj silently asking him to continue and Logan took a breath before speaking again. “I tried Remy, so damn hard for 7 months, getting nowhere, He functioned on cases, went through the motions, convinced a shrink he was fine to be back in the field after 7 weeks but the team and I knew better. They did everything they could for him out there, I did everything I could in here. He was damn near catatonic for the 7 months. Nothing changed, he somehow worked on cases, but outside of that if you tried to ask him something you got this blank, dead, stare.” Each word was like a dagger into Remy’s heart, his mind kept repeating ‘near-catatonic’, and picturing his lover that way was hard. Logan still spoke though, “Those first 7 months nothing changed, he was barely eating, barely sleeping, he was alive, but not really, emotionless, a cold robot honestly, it was awful, watching it and not having one thing I did solve anything. Beyond the fact that he had a heartbeat and was breathing on his own, and occasionally functioned on his own, I would be hard-pressed to say he did more than physically live. 

After your papa showed up, it was a god damned miracle. Spencer started speaking, short things, good morning, goodnight, y’r papa got him talking, about real things, real conversations. Y’r papa pulled him out of his head. The effects were... crazy, he slowly started talking at work, just small talk, how was your weekend, things like that, but the entire team, me, and ya papa, we’re thrilled. It’s more progress in two months than the whole first 7. He still’s barely eating, we’re up to a good day being a full meal, normal is being prodded to eat a couple of snacks, when that happens it’s still a little robotic, but it’s huge progress. Sleep, we haven’t been able to do much because we leave his bedroom as his escape space, when he needs to be alone again, he can do it physically instead of hiding back in his mind. The food, honestly Remy, we’ve stopped the weight loss, but he’s not gaining any back.” Remy looked scared “He’s lost weight?! He was always so light though.” Logan nodded “He honestly just gets so caught up he forgets to eat, worse than when it was a joke before, it’s serious now, he used to go 2 maybe 3 days without touching food. Now he at least eats a little snack every day but Remy, Derek rooms with him on cases because we don’t want to leave him alone in case he needs something. He’s said you can count his ribs, from the bottom to his neck. Ya could wrap two hands around his waist.” Remy almost vomited when he heard that before snapping “And ya still let him go on de cases like dat!” Logan sent him a harsh glare “Are you seriously asking me that, there’s no way to stop him if he doesn’t want to be, he fooled a damn psych after 7 weeks.” Remy looked down “Sorry, Logan, I know y’ve been doin’ everyt’ing ya can.”

Remy leaned back against his father but before he closed his eyes said: “Want ta come wit’ ya Wolvie, when ya pick ‘im up.” Logan nodded “Course, yer about to fall asleep sitting up Gumbo, take a nap for an hour and a half, I’ll wake you up.” Remy nodded and after literally 15 seconds he was out on his father’s shoulder. Logan laughed “I meant in a bed, but I suppose that’ll work too” Jean-Luc met his smile and gently shifted his son down so he was flat on the couch and his lap, so he wouldn’t wake up with a crick in his neck.


	5. Chapter 5

The team was awake on the flight back, it was only going to be about 6:30 when they landed, but Hotch had told them they could just do the paperwork the next day and to go home. Garcia had gone on this one as they needed someone to go through the laptops of the victims as it was an online game that connected all the victims. It had been relatively non-taxing, though odd, and slightly insane, the unsub was tracking down people who beat him in a video game, challenging them to fight in real life, and killing them.

Spencer had been feeling pretty good all day and was looking forward to seeing Logan and Jean-Luc. The plane set down in DC and the team was ready to get off, Reid grabbed his go bag and slid off the plane second to Emily. It had been 9 months 1 week 2 days and 22 hours since his heart had fractured to pieces, when he looked up for Logan, knowing he was picking him up, and collapsed to his knees with a hand over his mouth, dropping his bag as he blinked rapidly to make sure he wasn’t imagining anything.

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Logan and Remy were waiting at the airstrip when Spencer and the team exited the jet. Remy waited until he saw the 2nd person coming down the stairs before he slid out the passenger door. He watched, waited, eyes locked onto the slender figure of the most important man in his world. He swept his gaze over Spencer and wanted to cry out. Logan had said he was bad, explained in detail just how bad, said Spencer was getting better, but nothing he’d said could’ve prepared Remy for this. His Spencer was broken. No, not just broken. Shattered. He was completely and utterly shattered and how the hell did no one else see this? How could they let him work like this? Even from this distance, Remy could see just how horrifically underweight Spencer was. How his cheekbones stood out so sharply in that too thin face, how his eyes looked bruised from lack of sleep, how he moved hesitantly, fearful that every step was going to be the one to finally break him and crumble him. He was thin, he was exhausted, he looked nothing like the Spencer he last saw. It was a terrifying sight.

t was obvious that Spencer saw Logan waiting like normal, before turning to the other person in front of the car. Remy watched as Spencer’s jaw dropped, his eyes went wide and he crashed to the ground. He was blinking rapidly and that cracked Remy’s heart right in two, to think that his Penny was so broken, he thought he was imagining him. It brought home just how bad things had gotten, and if this was better than they _had_ been, by God Remy couldn’t even imagine just how bad it had been. Remy did the only thing he could think of when he finally saw Spencer. He strode forward, massive, powerful steps, before kneeling down and pulling Spencer into his arms. “Look at me Penny, I’m real, I promise, feel me, I’m real _cher_.” Spencer broke down in tears burying himself in the familiar, protective warmth of his lover. The whole team was watching as Logan slowly walked up and a panel of both thrilled with hints of pissed off faces turned to him, clearly demanding answers. Derek spoke first, but it was more of a growl, “I have had to watch my best friend, fall to pieces that we weren’t sure he could come back from for 9 fucking months Logan, what the hell happened.” Logan swallowed, “Remy showed up at Spencer’s door about 3 hours ago. The who ‘accident’” He snarled at that word before hissing “was a fucking trap and murder attempt rolled into one, from what Remy explained to us. The bitch we all thought left him out there to die, and then died herself, that part seems correct, but an hour after she left him, frozen in the ice, Sinister came, took him back to one of his labs somewhere. He had followed the team out there planning to kidnap Remy, so when she left him out to die it was the perfect opportunity. Remy escaped just under a week ago and has been working to get back here under the radar so Sinister couldn’t find him again, until he showed up at Spencer’s door a few hours ago.”

Derek let out a breath, as did the rest of the team, still obviously pissed at this person who caused this whole mess, but no longer looking to tear Logan’s head off. They relaxed enough to turn fond smiles at their genius who was slowly starting to stop sobbing in his boyfriend's arms. 

Spencer pulled his head up a little to look at Remy, “You’re really here, you’re still alive, but Logan, Scott, Alex, they told me…” “I know _cher_ , I know, dat’s what dey t’ought too, Remy showed up at y’r apartment lookin’ fo’ ya, Logan brought me here. Remy missed ya, so, so much, fought like hell to get out ‘a dere and back home to ya.” Spencer nuzzles his head against Remy’s chest at that before mumbling, “9 months, 1 week, 2 days, 18 hours, 26 minutes, and 14 seconds.” “What’s dat _cher_ ?” “From when they told me you were… dead, to when I saw you as I got off the plane, that’s how long I thought you were dead Remy.” “Remy’s so, so sorry Spencer, fought every day to try and come back to you, me. It’s what kept him going the whole time. Remy knew ya t’ought he was dead, hated every minute of it me.” “Where were you Remy?” Spencer whimpered. Remy tensed briefly before simply saying “Sinister.” Spencer’s head shot up with wide eyes but before he could say anything Remy rubbed a finger over his mouth, “ _Non, cher_ , no reason ta get worked up ‘bout it right now, Remy’s back, he escaped dat _connard_ , he’s okay.”

Spencer nodded and nosed Remy’s shirt, “You don’t smell right, your coat, it’s not… it’s your papa’s but you don’t smell like you.” he whined before sitting up “Wait, your coat, have you seen Jean-Luc yet?” The team had massive smiles stretched across their faces by that point, even Hotch and Rossi, as they watched the life slowly come back into their youngest member, lighting up his eyes, how they hadn’t seen them in over 9 months. Remy laughed “Yeah Penny, Remy went to y’r apartment lookin’ fo’ ya but Wolvie answered the door. Got his reunion done wit’ ma _pere_ , when he walked into de livin’ room, dey don’t exactly have a coat check when ya be kidnapped. And Remy’s not totally sure ‘ow he smells normally but ‘m gonna guess a shower’ll fix dat.” Spencer kissed the bottom of Remy’s chin, “Like spices, and warmth, and perfect cuddliness.” The BAU was snickering at that description and Logan snorted as well, watching with a fond smile. Remy laughed, “Remy didn’t know dat was a smell _cher_ , but he’ll take it, hmm?” 

Spencer gave Remy another kiss and laid his head on Remy’s shoulder. “Ya tired _mon coeur_ ?” Remy asked into the top of his head. “Wolvie and ma _pere_ , said ya ain’t been sleepin’ much.” Spencer just shrugged into Remy’s chest but just mumbled: “Tired, Remy.” “Okay, Penny, hold on ta me, m’kay?” Spencer nodded and wrapped his arms and legs around Remy before Remy pushed off the ground, easily lifting his boyfriend prompting a gasp “Oh my god, Penny, y’r so light, it’s not good.” Spencer mumbled into Remy’s shoulder “I forget, I eat when they tell me to but then I get sick sometimes.” “It’s okay _cher_ , we'll work on it, m’kay?” Spencer nodded as Remy walked towards where the BAU was standing so he continued in a teasing voice “Remy’ll get ya so strong ya can knock Morgan on de ground hmm?” Spencer actually laughed and when Derek protested that statement dramatically, they all knew it was to keep up Spencer’s good spirits, and none of them could’ve been happier than in that moment for their genius. 

The team talked for a minute before Remy started to say his goodbyes so he and Spencer could get home. He said, “Remy’s sure Logan told ya some ‘a what happened, and Remy’ll tell ya de rest later, but he’d like ta get home wit’ ma Penny, b’casue t’ink he deserves answers first, me.” The team accepted this with somber nods that turned to laughter when Remy looked to Spencer doing a koala impression on him and said “Hey _cher_ , ya want ta get off so’ Remy can say goodbye to everyone?” and Spencer shook his head and wrapped his arms tighter. So Garcia clicked over on her heels and squished the two of them into a giant hug before demanding “take care of my vanilla bean, got it?” Remy nodded with a loving smile on his face, and after goodbyes with the rest of the team, went back to the car with Logan, Remy sliding into the backseat with Spencer still mostly attached, and by the time they got back to Spencer’s apartment he was out, so Remy just scooped him up again, and after quick pleasantries with his papa again, took Spencer straight to the bedroom and laid down with his boyfriend for the first time in over 9 months, but Remy barely had time to appreciate that feeling before he was out cold too, exhaustion hitting him in waves.

Spencer took the next two weeks off, to spend some time with Remy. Jean-Luc and Logan planned to stay for the first week and then they would go home, leaving the lovers to themselves. Jean-Luc had stayed on the couch fold out that first night wanting to be near his son, so both he and Logan were up pretty early like normal but the two lovers slept soundly until almost noon, giving the older two plenty of time to talk. Logan was the first one to speak “Well, this whole turn in events, so far seems to be really good for Spencer, I have no doubt he’s going to be clingy for a while, and the sleep seems to have solved itself, as long as Rem sleeps, Spencer probably will too. He’d already been making progress in talking again, feeling emotions and such, and I think this should go a long way there, but where I’m still worried about is food. Even if he all of a sudden wanted to eat food, or somehow started remembering again, he needs to put weight on, but his body can barely handle one plate of food a day at this point, any more and he gets sick, so I guess we’ll just have to work on it slowly.”

Jean-Luc nodded thoughtfully, “I know Remy never really has had the best sleep schedule, but he would do anyt’ing for dat boy and if’n he needs ta change when he sleeps, he’ll do dat. We’ll work wit’ him on the food, and y’ know he never was a good eater an’way so we just won’t push him too hard, but we’ll get dere. Ya called anyone from de mansion yet?” 

Logan shook his head “No, they’re going to need to know soon, but I think I’ll ask Remy when they wake up what he wants to do.”

At noon the two dragged themselves out to the kitchen, where Logan, who had heard them start moving around, had coffee’s waiting for each of them. Getting vague smiles in his direction, he just laughed at the two who had never been particularly coherent without coffee at any point in time, when they grabbed them and trudged into the living room before curling around each other on the sofa. After about 15 minutes Logan and Jean-Luc walked in with coffee of their own as well as more for the two coffee fiends. The first week went by in a happy blur for all four of the people residing in Spencer’s apartment, though Spencer spent much more than he would’ve liked getting sick, as Remy seemed determined to fix his screwed up eating habit as fast as possible, though now that he was out of his barely functioning stupor, he couldn’t quite disagree that it was necessary, he hadn’t realized how thin he was. Remy’s description, when they had gotten to that conversation, and slightly exaggerated, but still brought home the point, was that Logan could snap him in half with two fingers. Remy had also threatened to withhold sex if he didn’t try and increase his weight, and well he hadn’t seen his boyfriend in 9 months so that wasn’t going to work now was it. Spencer was eating at least 1 big meal a day, and snacking as often Remy could get him to without ending up in backward progress. And it wasn’t that Spencer didn’t want to gain the weight back, it was that it seemed impossible when he was throwing up every other time he ate anyways.

It was a slightly sadder day after a week because Jean-Luc had business he couldn’t put off much longer in New Orleans, and Logan was switching places with Alex and Scott. Though the summers brothers had barely been held back from coming down to DC the day that Logan told them the news, they had just barely agreed to wait a week and let Logan come home, to try and limit the chaos the professor and Jean had to deal with… they had learned that unfortunate lesson at the beginning of this ordeal. And, though both Spencer and Remy were slightly sad to see the other two go, they couldn’t wait to see Alex and Scott. Ororo had agreed to wait an extra week at the mansion because Remy had called her himself to tell her once Spencer went back to work and on his first case he would come up to the mansion. Remy and Spencer had cuddled on the couch for barely 15 minutes before Remy decided they could use the time waiting for his lover’s brothers in a much more… satisfying way. He scooped Spencer up, who, though he had put on 6 pounds in the first week, was still light as a feather, and dropped him on the bed, before laying on top of him with a heart-stopping kiss. They had yet to do anything because of both injury recoveries, shock, and their house guests, but they had most of the day to themselves, and by God, if Remy wasn’t going to make the most of it. To hell with any threats, he’d missed his Penny too.

By the time Scott and Alex arrived, the two lovers were more than worn out, and Spencer was none too happy to have to drag himself out of bed. The two had showered together, Spencer still reluctant to let Remy out of his sight for anything, which meant they had gotten up to some more X-rated exercises, so Remy cleaned himself off and quickly got dressed in time for the doorbell to ring, while Spencer finished showering. Remy opened the door and was met with engulfing hugs from both Alex and Scott, which Remy returned happily. The three settled in the living room when Scott asked, “Not that I’m not absolutely thrilled to see you Rems but where is our brother, because Logan kept us updated but I need to see for myself that he’s getting back to normal.” Remy smiled and said, “Penny be in de shower _mon ami_ , but he be doin’ much better, dat’s true. He be sleepin’ pretty normal already, and his emotions be mostly evened back out. Still some nightmares ‘bout Remy dyin’ again, Remy stuck in de damn lab, _merde_ , Remy has is own nightmares bout dat, but Spencer be doin’ much better now. Eatin’ is de only t’ing, and he be workin’ on dat, just harder ‘cause dat aint a mental t’ing, it be a physical one dat e have to make his stomach actually want ta eat de food again, and he’s pukin’ half de food he does eat back up, but it’s better dan what Wolvie told Remy when he first came home.” Both brothers nodded, grateful for the positive update, when Alex narrowed his eyes suspiciously, “It’s 5:30 Gambit, why’s the kid showering now, something happen?” Remy laughed and said “Sometin’ happened alright.” Scott’s eyebrows furrowed, and Remy could tell he was being glared at by both brothers so he elaborated “Penny and Remy did some… exercisin’ befo’ you two showed up.” Both brothers turned cherry red and said “ohhhh.”

Scott and Alex stayed for 4 days, leaving the last 3 days as time for the boyfriends to have to themselves. Most of which was spent in bed, except for when Remy was requiring Spencer to eat, though he wasn’t throwing the food back up too often anymore, he just got full really fast, but he was able to eat 2 pretty normal size meals at that point, and Spencer was only about 10 pounds shy of his normal meaning Remy was far less concerned than he had been just two weeks before.

Spencer returned back to work, looking much more like the old Spencer they knew, though they could tell he was having a hard time being separated from his lover for so long. Remy had predicted that, and, as the team was on cold cases the whole week, snuck in the FBI building to bring the whole team lunch every day, and to reassure Spencer he was still okay. The first lunch was a little more depressing with the team wanting to know what happened, but Remy only gave them vague details. Hotch had questioned how Remy had gotten in the first day, as no one had told them anyone was coming up to visit, and Remy simply looked away before saying “Ya’lls security ain’t as perfect as ya seem ta t’ink it is,” and not elaborating much more. Rossi had just looked slightly impressed before acknowledging that though it was slightly concerning, it wasn’t his problem to deal with so he didn’t really care.

That Sunday Spencer was called out on a case and the whole team could see how often he sent off short little texts and how he was twisting himself up inside until he got an answer back and he would relax again. Morgan saw the lengthy calls and skype sessions while they were getting ready for bed or to head to the station in the morning. How Spencer tossed and turned and struggled to fall asleep some nights. Hotch easily ignored Spencer's occasional distraction and attachment to his phone, unable to be away from it without panicking that something would happen to Remy and he wouldn't know. They all noticed the way his whole body slumped both in relief and exhaustion when they finally boarded the plane back home Wednesday afternoon. He wasn't broken anymore and he hadn't totally healed yet, but he was getting there and the team would do everything they could to make sure he stayed that way.


End file.
